Two things can be true
I want to talk about something I don’t think we speak about enough: maternal ambivalence.
Before I became a mama, I had this dreamy, pastel-hued vision of what it would be like. And while, yes, it’s brought me a kind of deep love and joy I never thought possible, it’s also relentless—and sometimes? I resent it.
Here’s the thing—having mixed emotions about most things in life is completely normal. But when it comes to motherhood? Admitting we have conflicting feelings can feel like crossing a line, like we’re revealing some shameful secret.
We don’t hesitate to acknowledge the ups and downs of our relationships with partners, family, or friends. So why do we feel like we’re failing if we don’t love every single minute of motherhood?
The Push and Pull of Motherhood
Maternal ambivalence was something I really wrestled with in those early years. That constant tug-of-war between love and frustration, gratitude and resentment, joy and exhaustion. The emotional whiplash of feeling both completely fulfilled and utterly depleted—sometimes within the same hour.
Maybe you’ve had thoughts like these:
I love them to pieces, but if I have to spend one more minute with them, I might actually scream.
I wanted this so badly, but I miss the simplicity and freedom of my old life.
Raising this tiny human is the most important thing I’ve ever done, but wow... some days feel like nothing but nappies, snacks, and mess.
Being a mama has filled my life with love, but I’m also carrying so much anger and resentment I wasn’t expecting.
If any of that resonates, you’re not alone. And more importantly—it doesn’t make you a bad mum.
The Myth of the “Good Mother”
The pressure to be the good mother—calm, grateful, selfless, completely fulfilled by caregiving—is everywhere. And when we inevitably don’t live up to this impossible ideal? Cue the guilt, the shame, the fear that we must be doing something wrong.
The reality is, the emotions we experience in motherhood often don’t match up with the rose-tinted version of parenting we’ve been sold. That whole “enjoy every moment” thing? It’s completely at odds with what’s actually happening when you’re dealing with a toddler mid-tantrum in the middle of the supermarket.
Motherhood is full-on. It’s responsibility, worry, stress, and exhaustion—all while giving everything you have to care for this little human. And yes, alongside the love, joy, and connection, it’s also completely normal to feel anger, boredom, resentment, guilt, grief, and even rage.
The problem? These feelings don’t fit the good mother narrative, so when they show up, we assume it’s us—that we’re the ones failing. But recognising that these emotions are just a normal part of motherhood can be so freeing. They don’t define us, they don’t make us any less of a mama, and they certainly don’t take away from how much we love our children.
The Power of “AND”
One of the most game-changing things I’ve learned—both personally and in my work with other mums—is the concept of both/and.
It’s a reminder that two things can be true at the same time. That it’s completely normal to feel love and frustration, joy and grief, gratitude and resentment—all in the same breath. It doesn’t mean we don’t love being mums, and it definitely doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids.
I love my child AND right now they are pressing all my buttons.
I’m happy with this slower pace AND I miss the carefree days of a childless life.
I’m grateful to be a mum AND I need more from my life than just mothering.
That little word AND is powerful. It gives us permission to feel the full range of emotions without guilt or shame.
So the next time you feel those conflicting emotions bubbling up, try swapping out or for and. Notice what happens.
Motherhood is tough, messy, and full of contradictions. Let’s stop pretending it’s anything else. Instead of pushing down our feelings, let’s make space for all of them.
Because two things can be true.
