Two things can be true
I want to talk about something that I haven’t always felt comfortable admitting. Not only is motherhood hard, but at times I simply don’t enjoy it. Truth be told, sometimes the gritty reality of motherhood feels so disappointing compared to the pastel-hued expectations I held before I became a mother.
But while having mixed emotions about most things in life seems completely rational, for some reason admitting that we have conflicting emotions about motherhood feels provocative, something to push down – a dirty secret to keep hidden.
There's not the same taboo when we're talking about our other love-hate relationships: with our partners, our friends, or our family. So why do we feel like such a bad mum if we don’t love every minute of motherhood?
Maternal ambivalence is something I struggled to come to terms with a lot in my early years as a mama. That feeling of being constantly pulled in opposite directions by strong emotions, conflicting needs, and high expectations of what I should be feeling at any given moment. I spent most of the time feeling torn in two, and for a long time, I didn’t know what to do with that.
“I love her to pieces, but if I have to spend one more minute with her, I’m going to scream!!”
“I wanted this so badly, but f**k, I miss the simplicity and freedom of my old life.”
“Raising this tiny human is the most important thing I’ve ever done, but it’s so monotonous and my days feel full of nothingness.”
“Being a mama has filled my life with love and happiness, but I’m also so full of anger and resentment.”
I think many of us can relate to the fact that motherhood doesn’t always unfold how we’d imagined. But the pressure to live up to the "good mother” societal ideal – grateful, serene, and completely fulfilled by caring for her children – is real. And it’s this unrealistic expectation that leaves us feeling inadequate, embarrassed to acknowledge our limits, and ashamed for experiencing the darker emotions.
The concept of both/and, first introduced to me in therapy, has been one of the most useful, perspective-shifting tools in my personal and professional life. It can help us to make sense of our mixed emotions as mothers and allows us to treat ourselves more compassionately.
Both/and tells us that two things can be true; that it’s a completely normal part of being human to feel more than one thing at the same time. Frustration, resentment, and anger can all coexist with love, joy, and gratitude.
I love my child AND they know how to press all my buttons. I’m happy with this change in pace AND I miss the carefree days of a childless life. I’m grateful for being a mama AND I need more from my life than mothering.
There’s so much power in that one little word “AND”, I invite you to try it the next time you feel the conflict rising.
Being a mama is tough. Let’s stop denying the existence of ambivalence and start embracing the nuances of motherhood. Let's normalise accepting our contradictory feelings instead of hiding them or letting them rage inside us.
It doesn't mean we don't love being a mama, and it certainly doesn't mean that we don't love our kids.
Two things can be true.
