Maternal ambivalence: the two truths of motherhood

While more women may feel comfortable saying that motherhood is hard, saying that you don’t always enjoy it, or dare I say it, sometimes hate it, still feels taboo.

Ambivalence is often confused with feeling indifferent or not caring, but for me, it perfectly sums up how I feel about motherhood a lot of the time. And something that I believe should be talked about more openly.

Ambivalence is that feeling of being pulled in opposite directions by strong emotions, needs, values or passions.

It’s being conflicted.

It’s acknowledging the ‘and’.

It’s the desire to be a mother and not wanting your old life to end.

It’s wanting to be a present mama and resenting that your career has stalled.

It’s wanting to spend every moment with your child and feeling like you’ll explode if you have to spend another minute with them!

It’s feeling anger, frustration, resentment and love, joy, gratitude. 

Ambivalence is normal. Feeling mixed emotions is part of being human.

So, isn’t it time that we honour the ambivalence of motherhood?

To normalise embracing these contradictory feelings, and instead of having them fight a war inside of us, learn to accept and allow them to co-exist?

In her book, “The mother dance: how children change your life”, Psychologist Harriet Lerner reminds us of an important truth:

“The fantasy about how a mother is supposed to feel haunts almost every mother. Because the myth of the ‘good mother’ denies the power of real-life ambivalence – of love and hate – mothers feel ashamed of acknowledging their ‘unacceptable feelings’ and their limits.”

Mama, it doesn’t have to be this feeling or that one — it can be this feeling and that one, often at the same time.

When we let the outside world dictate that we must only feel one way, we start to experience feelings like guilt, shame, anger and resentment.

Motherhood isn't Marmite, you can love it AND hate it, even within the same breath.

It doesn't mean you don't love being a mama and it certainly doesn't mean that you don't love your child.

It just means you're human.