Matrescence: one word with the power to transform motherhood

19 Dec

If matrescence is new to you, it was to me too. My daughter was two before I stumbled across the word that changed my whole motherhood experience.

Although the term was first coined in the ‘70s by anthropologist Dana Raphael, matrescence is a relatively new way of describing the identity shift a woman goes through when she becomes a mother. It captures the physical, psychological, emotional, and social transformation she experiences; a transformation that is slow, always evolving, and one that never truly ends.

More recently, reproductive psychologist Dr Aurélie Athan, resurrected the term into the conversation around motherhood, and through her further studies, the phrase “matrescence, like adolescence” was born.

The similarities between adolescence – the journey from child to adult - and matrescence – the journey from woman to mother - as developmental transitions are striking. Both involve profound changes that affect every aspect of a person's internal and external world, over a period of time.

But while we would never expect a child to suddenly become an adult overnight, why do we expect a woman to become a mother the moment she holds her baby for the first time?

So what happens during matrescence?

While every woman's matrescence journey will be different, here are some typical experiences:

Physical changes not just to the body but also within your brain.
Your hormones are on overdrive, which can lead to a kaleidoscope of emotions including unexpected, difficult feelings such as guilt, shame, frustration, anger, or resentment.
You make a transition from pre-motherhood life and a previous identity built up over years, into a new role that is centred around keeping a small human safe, healthy, and happy.
Your dreams and expectations of what motherhood would be like can be very different to the reality.
Questions and doubt can arise around whether you have what it takes to be a 'good mother'.
Feelings of grief or loss for pre-motherhood you, or for the mother you thought you would be.
Your own experience of being mothered is brought to the surface, which can raise lots of questions and emotions.
Relationships with your partner, friends, family, and colleagues all change. In some cases, they may become stronger, but some may no longer feel aligned.
Your view of the world changes - you may suddenly feel strongly about things that didn't bother you before or vice versa.
The way you view yourself changes. You can feel lost and like you don't recognise the person looking back in the mirror.
Your role in the world changes, and because of society’s expectations of mothers, you can be made to feel guilty for not being perfect.

All of this is normal lovely. You are not failing. This is a period of learning and unlearning, and every mama goes through it, even the ones that look like they have it all together, I promise.

Why is understanding matrescence important?

There is much more work to be done to recognise and normalise the disorientation, awkwardness, and challenges that women experience during matrescence so they don't feel like there is something wrong with them, or that they are failing.

Matrescence is so powerful because it provides a language for women to understand and talk about their experience. It’s a way to validate this period in a woman's life that up until now has only been talked about through extremes. For many women, the early stages of motherhood are not magical, but neither are they suffering from postnatal depression. They are somewhere in between.

Finding out about matrescence was a lightbulb moment for me.

It helped me process so much of what I was experiencing but couldn’t describe, and most importantly helped me be more compassionate towards myself. Once I realised that I wasn’t supposed to have it all figured out, and that I didn’t have to love every single second of motherhood, I was able to let go of some of the guilt and focus on the opportunity to learn and grow into my own version of motherhood.

This is my deepest wish for you too lovely.

It is my hope that making matrescence part of our everyday language around motherhood, including within the workplace, will allow us to better understand, and make space for, those challenging emotions and experiences women go through as they journey into motherhood.

For mamas in the thick of it, a better understanding of matrescence has the potential to completely redefine their experience of motherhood. And for those around them, it is a way to recognise, validate and support them during one of life's most profound transitions.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a village to raise a mother too.